resting, mourning, weeping

Yesterday evening was nothing short of interesting.

What I thought was going to be lovely evening in, turned out to be 6hrs in emerge (no worries, nothing is horribly wrong, I just hadn't been feeling so hot lately, lightheaded and faint whenever I attempted to walk long distances and wanted to get it checked out to put my mind at ease)

I felt as though each step last night was a hurdle.

I knew I needed to get this checked out, but where? I am not even in my home province, so would I even be covered?

And how would I muster up the strength to walk to the metro to get to where I needed to be?

So I did some research, thought about it, prayed about it and decided it was probably best to go and get it checked out.

My one friend was so sweet and drove me up to the ER.

As I sat there waiting to see the triage nurse, scads of people kept coming in.

One lady who refused to wait in line and demanded to be seen by a doctor (definitely kept security busy), people lying in stretchers in the waiting room because there were not enough rooms...etc.

All the while my head was pounding so many thoughts and emotions came rushing in.

I sat there feeling an overwhelming sense of compassion for the guy who couldn't stop getting sick to his stomach or the girl sitting next to me who had a rash of somesort and looked really upset, and of course the man who came in having difficulty breathing.

It hurt me so much to see people in pain, I wanted to comfort them somehow, I thought, if only I was a doctor, I would hop out of my chair and put my 10 odd years of school to use.

I know it may not seem like a big deal, but I grew up in a home where one is not allowed to rest, it is attributed with laziness and one is not allowed to be in pain because it correlates with weakness. And one is not allowed to show any kind of sad emotion, because there is always more to do in life, so we must toughen up and deal.

I have carried this mentality my whole life. I always feared days that I would be sick as I would be pushed to keep going or when I just felt the need to sob, because even though I was told these things were ok, one's actions speak louder than words.

I am slowly learning that these things are ok. I am learning that Jesus mourned with those who mourned and wept with those who wept. I am grateful that my God is a God of compassion and I pray that I would come to accept that resting, mourning and weeping are all good things from God because I am so not there yet.

Dear Jesus...

Can I pretty please have a job in this beautiful city of Montreal? Oh yeah and a place to live, that would be great too!

Love <3
Amanda

pen to paper...or more like letters to computer screen

So this past week I was blessed with the opportunity to go to Whistler BC (courtesy Power to Change Ministries). While out there, I was working with the children's ministry (we basically had Vacation Bible School for all the Power to Change parents children while they went to a conference).

I think I learned some important lessons while out there (for me that is):
1. After conversing with many people who recharge by being alone, I have discovered that I too recharge by being alone (the appeal of living alone=huge sigh of relaxation)
2. I need to sleep more before having two long days of travel (*sigh*)
3. I saw a direct need for the Gospel to be communicated numerous times to children and what that looks like in their daily lives
4. Burst your bubble (Power to Change resource) has changed the way I will share my faith
5. I need to spend more time reading, meditating on and memorizing God's word (especially in areas that speak about my identity in Christ and stewardship)
6. I really need to think more before I speak. And if I am honest with myself, those words or tone are usually not the most edifying (as the heart is deceitful above all)
7. I need to be patient in breaking those old habits. I get so frustrated when I don’t see a change right away. One of the books I am reading says it takes a person approximately 6 weeks to change a habit (3 to break and another 3 to get used to it)…I now see why God is so patient with me and am thankful for His grace ☺
8. Some things in life are just worth that extra $ (ie. Great bed sheets and mattresses, quality Hunter rainboots to take you through the slushy Canadian winters and a warm, stylish, fitted, hooded winter coat…oh almost forgot, the sunken bath tub with arm rests that conform to your body and you can fully stretch out in)
9. I need a lot of sleep and its really hard to fall asleep in the Toronto Coach Canada terminal while making sure no one steals your personal belongings! (Come on 6:30!)
10. I need to blog or journal more. I learn a lot about who I am when I get things out on paper. On a brighter note, the sun is shining and it gave me plenty of time to listen to Diana Krall and evaluate how I have been doing, what I am learning and how to put that into practice.
11. I need to constantly remind myself that Christ accepts me just as I am (so I don’t kill myself trying to be someone I am not, and that my sanctification is a slow process in which Christ and I are carrying out together)