Sunday, February 24, 2008

Home, sweet, home?

Honestly, I can't say that about my house right now. I am actually happy to be back in Kingston (in some cases).

Whenever someone was to ask me how my week was, I would bite my tongue and tell them it was good, when I really felt trapped. While at home I take on the role of a second mother as my dad is bi-polar manic depressant and not working so my mom is the main bread winner in the family. When I do get home I try to make meals and do little things around the house to make her life easier.

I guess a huge part of this is seeing how different my life is from my families and how they live in a whole lot of worry and I prefer to live for the moment. My mom especially lives like this and it drives me insane. Constant questions, demanding answers, constantly anazlyzing my life and my every move, my every word...everything about me!

Today, we let off some steam (finally!) and I told her how I felt. I constantly feel as though I don't measure up and then she told me that she feels that I give her the impression that she does nothing right. And I am honestly not trying to complain but 75% of the time when I tell her things she immediately takes offense to them! Maybe I need more grace, but I want to be honest with her, maybe I am doing this wrong, or maybe I am the one who screwed up, at this point I just want wisdom. I want to be able to tell my mom something and have her listen and respect it, not walk away angry.

Then there is my bro. My brother Cory has special needs (autism) and sometimes his anger can get the best of him. I guess what I want to know is when my parents are not steppping in, in an area where I am seeing a need for discipline is that my job? When I am not home I wonder who is raising up in the eyes of the Lord (as with my mom working he can't always get out to youth or church).

So this week has tested and pushed my buttons. I have cried lots and wondered if I am doing something wrong. Right now I am going to ask God for wisdom and that He would start bringing people into my parents life and the life of my brother to speak the truth in love. I can't do it on my own.

God take my family and do with them as you see fit and give me the grace to love them like crazy because I have none.

4 comments:

Angelic Engineer said...

Going home for breaks can be rough. I'm sorry it was hard for you, but I am encouraged by your continual attitude of trusting in God for your emotional provision and strength.

Jenna Witty said...

You are a pretty amazing sister, friend and daughter Amanda. I cannot imagine being in your moms shoes, having such responsibility - I remember always thinking "how does she do it!!"

But again, it must be trying, being a child of God - knowing that maybe a different method at your house would create a better home for your Mom to come home to. I have had similar confrontations with my Mom - and it's not easy playing the honesty card. Keep praying for your Mom - as will I, and hopefully God can work on her heart to realize how blessed she is to have a daughter like you. You were doing the right thing to be honest and work out the knots, and keep moving towards that.

Hope things work out, and I am sorry you had a trying week. There had to be a few laughs with Cory though, right? He's hilarious!!!!

Love you always,
Keep trusting in Gods plan for your life, and your family.

Jenna

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Holly said...

Oh Amanda!
Sounds like you had a very challenging week at home. Please call me (or drop by) next time you are in town. I am a good listening and at the very least I can be praying for you. You are faced with some unique challenges and need some support. I will be praying for you now that I know of these needs.

I am sure you are a blessing to them in many ways, but it isn't your job to solve your families problems. I will be praying that the burdens that you have for them will be co-carried by Jesus. His burdens are LIGHT and his yolk is EASY.

Hugs!!