Friday, January 22, 2010

I belong broken at your feet

Part of me wonders if I ever will come to accept it. Life in Montreal for me this year has been painfully hard. Its taking me forever to adjust. Its not even the language anymore. I know I can barely speak it, but I can speak enough to get by now.
So what has been hard you ask?
My workplace is not exactly the best place to work. Its extremely stressful by times.
I think its also the stage of life that I am in. When I think about it, I went to a University that was within a mere hour ride of my home, now its three and a wee bit more costly (first time in a while I have been so homesick).
Not to mention, I feel ridic far from God. I go to Him and I feel like He is not there. But I know that is not true, I know that He is there, but is choosing to be quiet right now. As I was reading in a book last night called The Pressures Off and someone was describing a similar experience.
My first reaction would usually be that of "Amanda you need to pray harder, wait longer, read more...get your act together".
But while reading this book I have come to realize that because you do A, it doesn't mean you will get B in return. (ie, because I pray and read my bible, that does not mean God has to speak to me...hard reality to swallow, yet freeing that my relationship with the Lord is not dependent upon my works, I come broken as I am)
This doesn't mean however I stop going to the feet of Jesus even when I don't feel like it.
Ultimately right now; He is ALL I have, even though I don't hear Him.
Every other comfort has been taken away, and He is driving me to the foot of the cross, where I belong.
So Lord, I will sit and wait for you. I thank you for placing me in the desert because you know it will strengthen me. Thank you for stripping my life of many of the comforts I once knew because you desire to see me made in your likeness. Father, I pray you would help me persevere in this season when I stumble or fall, because I can't do it on my own. I love you Lord.


Chelms Varthoumlien said...

Praying for you Amanda. Remember Psalm 130, let it be your prayer.

Hansen Lung said...

Wah! That was a horribly horribly convicting reminder of where Jesus desires me to be. Thanks. I really am.

Jess said...

Glad you're learning from the book. I definitely did! The thing about montreal is is that there's a cloud of ickiness over the city (if not the whole province). I think QTs are hard for us all... Before I moved here, after experiencing such a tough year back home (that has a similar "cloud" over it), I wondered if I had the strength to even survive in another "cloudy" place. I don't, but God does.