Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Trying to convince myself otherwise

Its so odd. As soon as the train hit Montreal last night I wanted to be on the other train heading towards home.

I don't get this! This summer I couldn't wait to get out of home. There was quite a bit of pressure on me to be the second mom. I wasn't able to rest.

Now when I go home, I get to rest and bond with my family SOO well (point and case Monday I slept in til 11am...that would NEVER happen if I was living at home)

I guess, I must realize that as hard as it is being away from my family, being at home wasn't good for me. No matter what it looks like now, I wouldn't be able to rest. I would always be on egg shells.

I also think part of it has to do with the sense of darkness over Montreal. I never realized how strong it was. It is very strong and I can see why people struggle with depression and the like. Sometimes it feels like a war to sit down and be with God or even to wake up from my nap after my early morning shift.

Like it would just be easier to pull the covers back over my head and fall back asleep.

Another HUGE part of it is not really having anything to work towards. That always keeps me going. If I am brutally honest (and most of you well know) I don't see myself working at Second Cup for the rest of my life. I am really praying I find something else.

I guess I am so used to having an "idea" or some sort of "call" on my life. That I am lost without it. All I know right now, is that God has me here in Montreal and I need to be faithful with what He has entrusted to me (time, resources, money...etc).

For now, that is my call and to know Him.

With you in the race.


Emily said...

Just a thought to consider:
when you go home now it's only for a couple days. Normal patterns and behavior likely wouldn't come back that quickly, plus everyone is happy to see everyone and it's a special occasion so it's not like "real life".

I'm only saying this because when you wanted to leave home and come to Montreal, it was after a realistic amount of time at home (several months after graduating). When you want to leave Montreal and go home it's after a perhaps too-good-to-be-true 2 days at home.

WHo's to say things wouldn't be the exact same way as before if you stayed home longer?

I just don't want you to loose sight of why you moved here based on a few good days at home, sleeping in, etc. May not be 100% realistic.

Plus I'm like you. I tend to change my mind QUICKLY based on things like that: "oh that was a nice trip home, I wish I lived in Ontario!" are things I've said too :)

Amanda said...

Hey Em,
Thanks for that :)
I think last night I just needed a place for my thoughts to hit paper (definitely one of the things I love about blogging).

Thanks for bringing light to the fact that I was at home for a while before coming to Montreal. It's so easy to loose sight of that some days.

I know that this is where God wants me, I guess if I am honest with myself I had some unrealistic expectations coming in. But that doesn't mean this still isn't where God wants me. He does want me here, it just looks different than what I thought it would.