What's been happening...

So I'm not really sure what happened to me there in that last post.  I debated taking it down, but then thought "no" because it was a pretty accurate picture of how I was feeling.  Why, well I think it could very well have something to do with this:

Some of you may or may not know that I have been having some issues with my neck since the beginning of November now.  I woke up one morning pretty stiff, thinking I had just slept on it wrong.  So, not thinking much of it I went to bed that night thinking the stiffness would be gone the next day, that however wasn't the case.

A week later I find myself sitting in my Doctor's office in quite a bit of discomfort.  My left shoulder was pretty much glued to my left ear, I was so stiff.  My doctor examined me and didn't see any sign of a pulled muscle or pinched nerve and suggested I keep heating and exercising to see results.

One more week, and I'm back at the Doctor's in more pain.  X-rays are now ordered, Doctor's notes for a few days off work and a letter for massage therapy is in order.

I hobble out of the office to get my X-rays done and nothing comes through {bittersweet}, however the pain keeps getting worse.  I decide go to a walk-in clinic and the Doctor thinks it may be Torticollis.  A condition of the neck, that is associated with muscle spasms. 

He then refers me to a neurologist in Peterborough.

After much anticipation and hope for some answers {a proper diagnosis}.  We are met by a very cold Doctor, who took one quick look at me and said:

"The only cure is Botox injections in the neck, every 3-4 months indefinitely, 475-500$ a shot." {my jaw was on the floor at this point}.

I piped up saying:

"So, there is nothing else that will work? No physio, massage therapy, chiro, meds, natural...anything?"

Doctor:

"Nothing else works, only Botox".

So we gathered the info and headed home.

Discouraged, I asked God to provide alternative options.

Meanwhile, I had been helping our Youth plan this great event to raise money to purchase farm animals and wells for people in underdeveloped countries.  And on the night of the event, I am in a ball on my couch crying as the pain in my head is so excruciating I felt I may black out.

4hrs later, no answers, but feelin pretty good on some strong pain killers.

After a great night of sleep, I traveled with my dear Papa to a lovely Chiropractor in Brighton.  She was determined to see me better. {she uses different treatments: electro-massage to hit the tense muscles, not the normal manipulations most use}.

Since then we have seen some MAJOR improvement {Praise the LORD!}.

However, we still don't know what it is {just had an MRI last Tuesday to help diagnose}, what caused it and how to treat it. 

We are hoping and praying its nothing serious and that with more work with the chiropractor and some exercise will be all that is required.

So, it's been a journey.  I find I get frustrated because I don't have the energy I used to have.  I need to either take a neck brace or pillow of some form to rest my head if need be.  I also have to accept help from others, which is so difficult for me.  I love serving others, but really don't know how to be served.  Perfect example: I can be sitting on the couch watching television and want a drink and if I even attempt to move, my dad will jump and say "what do you need? I can get it for you".

Hard.

It would be easy to say I have my hand fully opened and surrendered to God in this, but I know my heart, it's not there yet.  I feel it resisting.  I feel it clenching.  Yet there is another part of me that just wants to let go.

I pray my fist would open, there is no sense fighting it anymore.  May the joy of the Lord be my strength.